[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?