[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
New favorite tiktok
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.