[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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😂🐈⬛
Woke up against my better judgement again
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Seems a bit forward
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer