[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐