People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
seems like a niche market
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.