[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.


If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.


Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.


*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.


After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.


If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.


Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?


I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.


ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here