@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

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@OakHill_

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

@LostFelicia

If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.

@fraktal8

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

@SexytotheNorth

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

@Wook316

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

@deadstick_ron

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

@JennSlowpez

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

@bornmiserable

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here