Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?