@professorkiosk

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

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@continentlbkfst

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

@BoomBoomBetty

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

@heybuddy_comic

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that

@Darlainky

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

@BigJDubz

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

@SortaBad

*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”

@rickolantern

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@CArmanthegirl

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

@MichaelLarrick

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”