[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Spa day..😅
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.