[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT![]()
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.