Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

me

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

You are what you delete.

I’m good, thanks.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.