[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
🤣🤣🤣
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff