Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Science memes

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”