Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”