*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

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“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober


Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named “Marco” in the supermarket just now.


When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.


Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…


You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…


I can’t date a guy who’s afraid of spiders. He can be afraid of stuff I’m not. Like, nachos, maybe. That’s fine. I can take care of those.


ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?

GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?

ME: because i don’t have any money