*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
#Caturday
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.