Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.