[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
We decided to have money instead of children.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.