[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
You can’t rush stupid.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen