[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m listening
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge