Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.