[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
finally
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal