Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

my friends when i can’t do basic math

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons