Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.