Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

you will never know the true number of layers

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

happy valentine’s day to me

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

I try

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.