[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Waiting for the Charmin
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup