[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe


Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.


[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!


What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)


flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase


We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.


New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.


2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road

2020: gonna have to eat my horse


He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*


SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*