Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Split the bill

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.