[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
New menu item
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide