[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too