Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.