Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

lol

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.