*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist![]()
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually