*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
never compromise your values
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?