Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Why am I like this?

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.