*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

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“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress


I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode


[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it


INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*


If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.


Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…


[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all


“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”


“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins