“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
bob: 1 at a time
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all
“I’m so sick of this life”
* sees preview for next life*
“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins