my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
PLOT TWIST:
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.