*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Welcome to the stomach
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.