*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.