Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

*offers Batman cough drops*

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”