Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately