Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

Pot warmers of the day.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?