[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.