[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*