[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Cinema or bowling
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care