Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Spring of Deception

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

podcasts

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Me if I was a dog

Breaking news:

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes