[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
gm
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
boat question
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?