“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
what
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one