*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?