*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
You Might Also Like
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!