Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic