Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

🤷‍♀️

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

the council will decide your fate

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT