Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]