First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore