First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute