[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Beware of fowl play.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Nice try Hitler
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it