Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me