Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”