{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
*files a restraining order against reality*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.