[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard