Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”