An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!