[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
You Might Also Like
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
When I said I liked it rough.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
oh no, steve’s working tonight
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.