[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Imagine having a party on purpose.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?