Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

pictures of spider-man

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living