[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.