Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*