Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

As a doctor, I can confirm

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Bloody internet 😳

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”