[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
God tier horse name today on the sims
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
