[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
