@Buffalojilll

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???

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@jaycaspiankang

when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

@JediGigi

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

@MrJeberling

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

@sixfootcandy

Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.

@ventivodkacran

…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?