My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?