Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

getting seasonal up in here

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.