Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?