Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute