*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
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My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*puts words between two asterisks*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
going to bed
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.