[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.