[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
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Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.