[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I know this now 😂
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”