[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
You Might Also Like
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.